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On Tuesday night, late night hosts discussed Lindsey Graham’s sister Darline’s appointment as his interim replacement in the Senate, fumbled Iran peace talks and the continued mystery of the Trump-Epstein files.
Michael Kosta
On The Daily Show, Michael Kosta discussed Donald Trump’s lackluster reaction while greeting IndyCar racing drivers at the White House.
“Uh, maybe it doesn’t have that Eye of the Tiger energy,” he commented. “This would be like, if instead of running up the steps of the museum, Rocky took the chairlift.”
The host then turned to the death of Senator Lindsey Graham. When asked by a news host whether we know the full story about his death, Trump said: “Well, I think we do. We have great doctors and they talked about, you know, a certain part of his body literally blew up.”
“It’s actually a fairly common cause of death,” the host deadpanned. “We all remember when Queen Elizabeth II died after her vagina went boom.”
Shortly after Graham’s passing, it was announced that his sister Darline Graham would be his interim replacement in the Senate. “A Senate seat? That’s an inheritance jackpot!” laughed Kosta. “Most people just get a garage full of damp boxes.”
Darline Graham’s qualifications differ from those normally expected of Senate members, with a job history that has focussed on government agencies helping the blind. She is currently president-elect of the national council of state agencies to the blind.
“If anything, she’s overqualified,” joked Kosta. “I’m worried she’ll make the other senators look bad, which would be embarrassing for the ones who know where they are right now.
“Let’s move on, because Lindsey’s sister will have her work cut out for her for the next five months, plus 36 weeks vacation time.”
Tuesday marked the third consecutive day of US air strikes in Iran after the country said that it would charge tolls for ships to pass through the strait of Hormuz. Meanwhile, Trump has announced his own plans to charge a 20% toll on cargo shipped that passes through the strait.
“How did we end up like this?” Kosta asked. “We’re a global superpower and we’re haggling over tolls with the Iranians. We’re not going to beat the Iranians at haggling – they invented it, and putting raisins on rice.”
Ike Barinholtz
On Jimmy Kimmel Live, guest host Ike Barinholtz opened with news that the US has resumed military action in Iran.
“Remember when Trump said that this was a little excursion that was just going to last a few weeks?” he asked. “That was four months ago.
“I’ll be honest, I’m starting to regret voting for him three times,” he deadpanned.
“I still don’t understand why he even started this war,” Barinholtz went on, before faking a coughing fit and saying: “It’s that Jeffrey Epstein was his best friend for many, many years and he wants you to forget how many times he’s mentioned in the Trump-Epstein files.
“Sorry, sorry. I have the hantavirus.”
He then turned to Lindsey Graham’s recent death: “The big political story today is that we officially have a replacement for Lindsey Graham in the Senate, and it’s Lindsey Graham’s sister, which is very confusing because I always thought Lindsey Graham was Lindsey Graham’s sister.”
“It’s a whole different person!” he exclaimed to audience laughter.
Darline Graham was sworn in yesterday and promised to spend the coming months supporting the president. “And she pledges to suck his tits even harder than her brother did,” Barinholtz joked.
A number of AI companies are now offering to bring back your deceased loved ones as “generative ghosts.
“The way it works is you give them photos or videos of your dead relative and they work their AI witchcraft to present you with this lovely nightmare,” he said, before playing a creepy clip of an AI-generated elderly man.
“Well, first of all, Mitch McConnell looks great,” Barinholtz said.
“I can’t decide whether this is the best or worst gift to bring to a funeral,” he continued. “You know, it’s like, ‘I’m sorry for your loss, but guess who’s back?’”
English (US) ·